Defining Success

Defining Success

Redefining the term “Success” in the Modern World

Success… it’s such a modern and quintessentially American term and has been for more than a century and a half (depending on which historian you ask). But what does it really mean? This question is predominantly a philosophical question but not entirely. It also has psychological, demographic, and sociological implications to it as well. The tendency for Americans to chase this phantasmic idea, this ethereal notion at the expense of all manner of things (well-being, relationships, family, sanity, etc.) has been a hallmark of the American “can-do” or  entrepreneurial spirit and may well be the defining term for much of the 20th Century in America and The West. But I ask the question: “Has the time for our notions of ‘success’ to change definitely come? Is the old definition, the ‘standard’ metric of ‘success’ in need of replacing?” A dispassionate reading of the last half of the 20th Century up to today (basically my entire lifetime) could make the case that it is… maybe even past time.

To begin, let’s consider what the factors involved in the metric of measuring success have been lately. First is money. The more money you make the more successful you are. This makes certain sense since in the metric most use money = power = security. But if we examine this calculus closely, it takes on a type of “Sithish" quality. I reference the opposition sect to the Jedi in Star Wars because it is often published in fan/discussion boards that the main goal of the Sith is power, by any means necessary, and power = security = CONTROL is their main goal. Now before you reprimand me for the use of such imagery, or berate me for using these analogies, I would ask that you consider that this has become a kind of modern mythos with very prevalent and powerful imagery in todays world. Even today, as for millennia, the amount of money you have is largely considered the measure of success. We’ll address this again later. Secondly, to be married (at least) and have children thus making a nuclear family unit is our next marker of success. This one comes with obvious pitfalls but, again, to be addressed later. Continuing the list, tertiary in status to money and family is often owning a house (or expensive real estate like a condo in Manhattan, or any downtown area in America, Europe, or Asia). Finally, we should put forth things like social standing, positions in organizations/corporations, and perhaps political success although only a small portion of people actually dive headlong into the morass of politics and this is almost a universal fact no matter where you are in human societies. So, recap: money, family, land/housing, social standing, organizational position, and political success (if attempted). Now, time for the analysis.

Money… this is the human universal measure that almost all societies go by. We are social creatures and largely live in capitalistic societies. Money is the one medium that provides the ability to wield power (personal and otherwise) and is the general means by which valuation of work and products are made. Okay, this we’ve established. But let’s ask the question the Stoics would probably have asked: “At what cost to your wellbeing does this money come?” Once you gain wealth, what do you do with it? Is the having of the wealth the main goal? What about generosity and the ability to use money for doing good and improving life? If you have billions of dollars but don’t use it to realize the potential of what such sums could do to benefit not just yourself but others, then what is it but some strange status symbol. And if you gain vast sums, but your mind is always on maintaining the sums, what does this do to your happiness? Are the wealthy actually happier than most… I submit, only sometimes and maybe even not very often. I submit it is very important that if you decide the pursuit of wealth is your measure of success that you ask the ancillary questions such as: “What has devoting my time to amassing large sums of wealth done for my personal relationships? Can I ever trust people to want me for me and not just my wealth? What price am I paying constantly worrying about my wealth and the maintenance of it?”

Alan Watts, the great 20th Century Zen teacher and social critic, had a great discussion that he gave which is often seen on social media where he begins the video by asking, “What would you do if money were no object? What do you really want to do with your life?” I often used to show this video to my students at the beginning and end of the school year. It was my way of starting to challenge them about how they’d been trained directly and indirectly about thinking about success. I would then point out that I was teaching them for the love of the craft of educating young people like them NOT for the money (because, obviously, public school teachers make so much money for the time and effort they exert…. insert your favorite flavor of snark here), and that I could have been in private industry making much more money, but I chose to be there and that it made me happy. By the end of the year, I think most of my students got the hint about why teachers do what they do. But it put the idea of happiness at the forefront… not money. It’s such an easy trap to be caught up in and the vast majority of us tend to get caught by it if we’re not really careful.

So if money is not a good metric for success and happiness should be our aim, how do we define happiness? Ah, there’s the rub. For some people, hopefully only a few, their happiness IS in the money (although, personally I would think this is a rather vapid and hollow form of existence). But, for the majority of us, happiness (or perhaps being contented) is more the direction we wish to be headed in. So IF being happy is your first measure of success instead, I’d say most of us are still a work in progress. And that may not be a bad thing once you take the time to think about it. As an American, I’ve always looked at the phrase in the Declaration of Independence, “…life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” as a reminder that you are NOT guaranteed happiness, ONLY the right to pursue it. It’s at this point that I make the suggestion that perhaps happiness should not be considered a measure of success so much as a direction of motion in out lives. This use of direction instead of metric allows for all levels of happiness and eliminates the monetary measure entirely. I suppose if one were to be very blunt, then Watts admonition of, “…then do that! And forget about the money.” should almost be our mantra. Now remember, it does not mean that money has no place. Until we solve the human condition of poverty and the inequalities that have been allowed to enter the Western capitalist system of economics and redefined just what we value and how, you’ll need at least enough money to live so you can pursue what makes you happy; that domain of social policy is still one that needs to be addressed. But using money instead of happiness as your yard-stick for success just seems to be a never ending trail of misery that leads nowhere but down.  

Next we tackle the idea of family and procreation. Note, I did not phrase it as marriage and procreation because the two are not necessarily synonymous nor should they be. Let’s tackle the first part - family and/or marriage. Now, by way of full disclosure, I have never been married. I suspect that this condition will lead some to say, “Well, then, how do you suppose you’re qualified to speak on the subject of marriage if you’ve never experienced it?” and there is some (but only some) point to that question. Then again, I’ve never had children and yet as a school teacher and counselor, I think my 35 years of experience with the institutions of family, child care, and education do indeed qualify me to speak. (I will not waste my time in defense of this position. That’s a futile exercise. I suspect that most of you have never been public school teachers and yet you’d feel more than qualified to speak on the subject…. and you’d be wrong. So, I will speak, you will listen or not, and the wheels on the bus go ‘round and ‘round.) 

Family… are we talking about the biological or the discovered variety? If biological, well that’s pretty straightforward and I dare say too often troubled from the start. In all my years of meeting parents with their children, I rarely felt sympathy for the plight of the parents due in large part to what I have heard termed “The Crimes of Parenthood.” To begin with, let’s remind ourselves of the fact that children are born with no ability to speak for themselves. You make a living, breathing, thinking, sentient being but do you fully consider the ramifications of your actions? I feel it’s safe to say most people would say “yes” to such a query… and they’d mostly be wrong. If good intent is what you start with then I’ll take this time to remind everyone of what path is paved with good intentions. This is a being! Whole. Complete… Filled with potential… who never asked to have you as their parents! But it is one of the many contradictions and paradoxes of parenting that this is not possible before the conception of a new person. So, being a parent means you must violate the freewill of a new person… no way around it. Crime #1. 

Next, children quite often without conscious or malevolent intent, become a reflection of their parents. Let’s let that one sit here and really sink in. I’ve met a lot of you in my decades on this planet… I’m not always terribly impressed. I suppose that a state of mildly fascinated indifference and curiosity would be more accurate. Now I am NOT a misanthrope, but I am not endlessly hopeful of humanity and its future either. I do my best to see US in the most accurate light possible and sometimes, in some domains of examination, it can seem harsh. This is not premeditated, but it is done with the aim of precision. Remember, I am included in this examination for we are often a reflection of each other. And here we unveil Crime #2 - we pass our sins on to our children. We want our children to be better than we are but how often do you see a child and parent and go, “Ah. So that’s why they are that way.” I saw it for 35 years every time I met parents and children together. 

So, the thrust of the last paragraph is that we do a lousy job of preparing people to be parents. We do this in large part because of inertia but also because WE can’t agree on what makes for good parenting… even though, psychologists and counselors often give us clues and philosophers have written endlessly on the idea that teaching people to be good by following some simple ideas (be kind, be considerate, think of what your actions will do to others, etc.) that are too often in the far-off reaches of our minds because that is what we fail to train first… how we think. “Well how do you think we should think?” Not now… that is an essay for another time and may end up being a book, so it is inappropriate for the here and now of this essay. If I am put under the gun to summarize, well here you go: Until you can convince yourself and others that you are a complete, whole, fully actualized person, do NOT make another person.

Now, this does NOT mean that you should not seek out a mate, partner, spouse for yourself and to make you happy. On the contrary, I think most people are happiest when they have found someone to whom they can devote some part of their life. This does not mean that marriage is necessary. Many people live together and are very happy without the formality and legalities of marriage. There are many and varied types of marriage too. I prefer to think, if I am truly fortunate, that I will find a life partner who wants to be in a loving, creative, productive partnership. Marriage is not a requirement. We could end up with a wide and caring circle of friends that could be more of a family unit functionally than the traditional biological nuclear family. In some ways these types of family are more productive and caring since we get to chose the members of such a family. But what about the question of “success?” Well, here again, it would seem that the pursuit of happiness is the main aim of both family and procreation with the caveat that your production of a new person is a long-term project to replace you with an even better model that is of a benefit to ALL of humanity(they are not there to love you, or be your friend…If you’re lucky that happens organically). If you are able to make such a family unit, if it functions well with the ability to make all it’s members happy and productive human beings… well, I’d call that a win.

Okay, we’ve handled the two biggest traditional metrics of success. Now, let’s tackle the remainder. How about having a house? In the present age, with the kind of wealth inequality in America that presently exists, this can be a difficult thing to attain. And, if you think about it, do you really want to? What is(are) the trade-off(s) you’re incurring with such an investment? The entire subject of renting, affordable housing, and landlord/tenant relationships is beyond the scope of this essay. But, these factors are things to consider. In the end, owning a house is a great investment… if you have the means and the rules of gaining such an investment aren’t rigged against you. In the end, when considering the “success” question, it’s really a personal choice but there are plenty of people who rent who are perfectly happy… and shouldn’t we agree from the examination of money that happiness is the best measure. 

And now to the the others - Social Standing, Position (in various places), and Politics. These are more tenuous and much more subjective than most people may usually consider in passing. Social standing I think much of the time is braided into how people perceive you and maybe what you do. And your standing is a spectrum reliant on a wide variety of factors ( societal, political, religious, demographic, geographic, etc.). In the end, you’ll need to consider how much these effect you depending on where you are on the Earth in both time and space. I can only speak with certainty on my own views and the idea that we are all fellow human beings so that operating with the rule “No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.” should be the principle that guides how we interact with each other. In America, our standards of acceptance of people seem to have improved and become a much more “live and let live” attitude thanks to the changing generations ( the Millennials and Generations Z and Alpha give me, at least, a great deal of hope for the future of tolerance and acceptance in America). As for positions in companies, institutions, organizations, and politics, I personally have lost all desire for such things. But I’m a retired person who’s living a whole new life free for the most part from those things. I’m also an “old white man” and so that has gifted me (willingly or not) with advantages that others, sadly, do not have. If such positions once acquired afford you more chances for happiness, well then my advice is by all means pursue them but with a wide open mind of all the pluses and minuses that go with such pursuits. “Go forth young man”, as was said in the past, and find your bliss. But in the final analysis, remember that the pursuit of happiness should be your direction and the achievement of said happiness should be your metric however you calculate it. The final analysis must be yours and the ability to discard the trite, tired opinions of others with no ability to see the world free of dogmas and social conventions of the past, this is your goal. If you’re not happy, then let that be an indication that you need to change direction and then tack the ship of self to a new course by following your star of bliss in the night-time of existence. In short, be happy my friends. Let that be your yardstick of success.