Life: The Realized and Unrealized

Marcus Alden Meredith 

October 27, 2021

Life: The Realized & Unrealized

How Life changes with choices of what to do and not to do

It is not unsurprising to many that as you grow older and near certain seminal milestones of age (like 50 or, in my case, 60 years on this blue dot) that reflection and retrospective becomes more and more inevitable. But along with these retrospectives come many certain memes to add to the self-examination. Chief amongst them are the “What if…”s and corollary to this are the “If I had only...”s and the rumination on these meme’s can bring about profound insight or emotional and psychic pain. It all depends on where you are at the moment and where you’re going. 

I am only good at looking at my own decisions to do or not to do, to be or not to be. Examining other people’s lives is a risky proposition at best. With the span of years, I gained the help of experience, life, friends, and a Stoic philosophy that has made me look at my life with a remember ace that death comes for us all and is the greatest of equalizers. With that in mind, here I begin:

First: “What if I had had children?” Wow, let’s dive right in. I think I would have been a good father. Great? Maybe, but I would have had to overcome a sense of selfishness that I know is inherent in me. I see ideas, projects, skills to learn, histories to learn, places to go, and I have a hard time not diving in with both feet and sometimes not with a lot of forethought. It is a failing and one that would make my restraint of this behavior something that could devolve into resentment at whatever/whoever kept me from the experiences.  If the restraining reason was children, that would be detrimental to all of us and wholly unfair to the children since they didn’t ask to be born to me as a father. That point is important. We are born into a family and which family that is is a complete roll of the dice… loaded dice in my estimation. It is far more likely that your parents are mediocre at caring for you and unfit to deal with children and their own emotional states than in having parents who are well equipped to educate their child in all the subtleties of life and living while dealing relatively well with their own shortcomings. It’s not the point, according to biology, for having children. Happy children is not the point. Reproduction and perpetuation of the species is the only thing evolution cares about. The burden of parenting (and it is a burden) is not, absolutely not, something the average person should endeavor to engage in. I’ve seen the results of mediocre parenting firsthand as a public school teacher. Then add on to that religion, drug abuse, mental instability, marital incompatibility, etc. and the plain truth becomes obvious: most people should simply not have children (especially since this person had no say whatsoever in who they were being born to!). So, no children for me. But…. I will never know what it is to love and be loved by such a being as a child of mine, the biological imperative of children will never be satisfied, and I will remain stuck with the “What if…” like an itch that will never be scratched of healed. My choice.

As related aside, this does not mean that I do not desire a life’s companion. It is a great desire, maybe even a goal of mine to find a life’s companion who would even be amenable to the notion of marriage at my advanced age. I had a fine example of a good marriage in my family with parents who were truly committed and in love for 50 years! A rare thing indeed. And I find that this is the last thing that is necessary for me to feel that I have done all that I could in the world that was of paramount importance. There are many women (yes, I am a completely heterosexual individual) who are just fine with not having children too. I’ve often thought what a true self sacrifice it is for a woman to give birth and voluntarily subject her body to such changes. Ladies! Let me tip my hat to you in all earnestness and sincerity. In the end, I have noticed that when I write in my daily journal and answer the standard question “What could be better?”, 9 times out of 10 it is simple and straightforward: “A kind, smart, beautiful, sexy, female life’s companion.” I’m still on the quest.

Second: “What if I had not gone into teaching?” Wow, now there’s a thought (especially since I’m recently retired from the profession. I had had opportunities to go into the private sector as a food and flavor chemist (Kellogg’s aka General Foods was one such suitor for my talents). How would life have been different. Well, let’s start with the idea of leaving California for Michigan. That was a big minus. Not to be down on Michigan, but being a very California-centric individual, Battle Creek, Michigan just ain’t got it. Add onto this all the things that Californians have comparatively speaking. That would have been a very big leap. The weather difference alone…. Now, on the other hand, I would have started in 6 digits or a salary at probably 3 to 4x the starting salary of a teacher. Yeah… that was a big thing to walk away from. It came very close to pulling me out of the state. But my experiences with teaching had started to become so satisfying that it just wasn’t enough. Then we should consider the culture of a huge, Fortune 500 company where production of new product and the ability to sell product is all that really matters. I love lab work, but that would have been my whole life and I have come to realize that I don’t like people who pressure me (yeah, yeah, then how did I survive teaching? A whole different story for another time). Add into the mix personalities that may in no way be steady, or egos that need stroking, and people in charge who like to show they are in charge… nope… pass. But what if? What if? I would have had far less contact with my good childhood friends. Maybe I would have been able to afford to see them more often, that’s hard to know for certain. I’d probably have a house, nice car(s), be traveling the world in research and conferences, and my circle of friends and acquaintances would have been completely different. I wouldn’t have been around to see my niece and nephew grow up. I would not have seen my parents nearly as much (that turns out to be a big deal seeing my dad more often but my mom being deceased 10 years this month). Would I have moved more times? Would I have become management? How would that have influenced my development as a person? Would I have become far more conservative? More liberal? Would I have discovered life in the same way? Undoubtedly not. Reflecting back, I like the person I am now. I appreciate very much how California has made me a more cosmopolitan individual and how teaching allowed for so much more personal growth that private industry could have delivered. This decision has no regrets… well, it would have been nice to get more money…then again, my retirement as a teacher is pretty damned good.

Third: “What if I’d gone into engineering instead?” Okay, this one is pretty straight forward too. It’s a lot like the “not teaching” on before just with more unknowns. I might have wanted to go into academia or I might have wanted to peruse more advanced education to be more valuable to a tech company. But my days of college were before the internet and at the dawn of personal computers so being in the electronics/tech world is a pretty difficult one to divine what my path would have been. I look at m friend Dean who took a path a lot like that and even got his Ph.D. He went on to work in Japan for Sony but eventually came back, got married, had children and ended up teaching at the junior college level. He seems pretty happy and was just a a tad jealous that I was able to retire before him. I still think I came out better in the end sticking with public service as a teacher. 

Fourth: “What if I had married Shannon?” (Names have been changed due to the lack of  consent of the innocent). Well, now. I had been with Shannon off and on for 8 years when I asked her to marry me. She was not in a good place financially and, on later reflection, emotionally. She was living down south with her parents but psychological issues had started to surface earlier and when we were still together I sensed that things were not good. Still, I had devoted a lot of time to that relationship. I wanted it to work. What might have happened? If I am being as objective as can be, chances are we’d be divorced. There would have been a lot of emotional stress. The breakup would have been bad for both of us. We did reconnect ever so briefly by email 20 years later but Shannon had gone through a lot physically and emotionally and then her dad died in a plane crash and the connection was lost again. If you know you are damaged, best to work on yourself. That’s not to say that a relationship can’t work, but the chances of success in the long run are not good. In the end, it was probably for the best. I didn’t need the heartbreak of divorce as well. It just never ends well any way that you slice it. Did it spoil me for other relationships? Hmm. I tend to say no. I have had others relationships since Shannon but none that lasted as long. My guess, this just shows you how hard a good relationship can be to find and cultivate. I suppose it also gives some indication of how hard it is to be in a relationship with me. I am who I am…

Fifth: “What if I had different parents?” Hell, in some major ways this is an easy one but one that emphasizes just how much of a crap shoot life and living is. I would have been an entirely different person. And it also brings about a couple of scenarios worth exploring. #1 - If I had different parents both biologically and developmentally. Well, then I would indeed have been a different person. If I was a different ethnicity, had different financial and educational opportunities, different genetics… the simple answer is the “I” that I am now would not exist. Would I have had more or fewer opportunities? There is absolutely no way to know. But I know that if I had been born a person of color, or female, or poor, or rural or all of these, my opportunities would not have been what I was able to benefit from in this life. #2 - If I had the same biological parents but was adopted. Now that brings about interesting ideas because it confronts us with the seemingly never ending conflict between nature and nurture. In that sense of course I would have been the same “me” that I am now but not the same from a developmental POV. Would I have loved the same things I do now? Music? Science? Foods? chances are some “yes” and some “no” but there’s no way to know this for sure. We can’t use a time machine and reset the circumstances of who I am…. I am who I am. In a sense this is a culmination of all my choices but also the randomness of circumstances. We all make what we do out of what we have. 

And the possibilities go on, and one, and on. In the end, we are what our choices and circumstances make us to be. One feeds off the other, like a feedback loop. And the wheels on the bus go ‘round and ‘round… Regrets are for those who have not actually lived life. Regrets are regressive for the mind. If we accept that the here and now is all that we have, then look at the past, learn from it, and move on. The past is the past, the future is not here, and only the here and now are accessible to us. Live, learn… Carpe diem.